Reddish Musings

That question is, for those not paying attention, "So, how's married life?"

I work (not for very much longer) in an office, and as such, I am acquainted with quite a few people that I see on a less than regular basis. In fact, the interrogation room is often a location where workers from all corners of the office occasionally meet up, like the coffee pot or the bathroom. I say "interrogation," because that question, no matter how it is phrased or who does the asking, always makes me feel like a giant spotlight just got shined on my personal life, and I must do my best to say something satisfactory, without revealing or concealing too much.

It is very similar to the feeling someone much more anxious than me would get when asked "How are you doing today?" The Social Contract dictates you answer with some variant of "Oh, doing fine, yourself?" But how does one respond to this gentle prying into a deeper topic? Especially at the gossip mill that is an office?

In my head, I know the question really just means "I haven't seen you in a while and I hear you're married, so I'm going to really just ask 'How are you doing?' while acknowledging I know of your change in life status."

But in my heart, the question comes out much more like "Tell me how you feel about being married, so that I may judge you, worry about you, sympathize with you, or be suspicious of you, based on how little or how much you tell me."

Being in an office is... a difficult environment to predict and therefore a difficult place to answer questions truthfully or with any real confidence. It's not like family, though some treat it that way. If an Aunt asked me "How's married life treating you?" I would know that they do really care about me, and probably want to hear about some adventure my new husband and I went on, but overall are just checking on me.

If a coworker asks me how being married is, it can really mean:

- Isn't being married terrible? I hate my husband/wife and feel so trapped. Say something negative so I can laugh and be cynical with you.

- Why did you get married so young? You're so young! Say something immature so I can reconcile this cognitive dissonance.

- I don't really care I'm just here for some dang coffee move over

- I'm so happy for you! You're so sweet and I'm so glad you've found your soulmate! Say something super gushy and romantic so I can squee with you!

- I'm just asking how you're doing like normal, proceed with an average response or I will give you a weird look that says "please stop talking now"

The truth?

Married life is no different than my unmarried life with my then-fiance, except my paycheck is slightly bigger due to a tax break and nobody will give us disapproving glances if they see we live together. Maybe the lack of a difference is BECAUSE we lived together before we got married (shock, awe), but... I dunno. To me, if getting married completely flips your world on its head, then maybe you shouldn't have done it. I married my best friend. We lived and functioned as one unit before we were legally wed. All the marriage did was give us a piece of paper to prove to the government and prying eyes that we're legit.

Married life has some struggles. He does things differently than I do, and our respective futures aren't set in stone. Married life has some great perks, like someone who loves me regardless of how weepy or crazy I feel that day, and someone to cuddle up and watch Mystery Science Theater with. But I technically had both of these things before I got married, so I still don't see the huge leap here.

If you never touched, cuddled, kissed, fought with, got frustrated at, experienced bliss with, did things for, went out of your way for, talked about money with, talked about kids with, talked about your future with, had a bad day with, had a good day with, had a terrible day with, had a fantastic day with, or really loved your partner before you married them, then why did you ever marry them to begin with? And why do you assume these things will change just because of a ring on my finger?

So in short: Married life is great/fine/okay/oh y'know/all right/the same/doing well. Thank you for asking.

God help me if/when we ever have a kid.