Reddish Musings

Life is happening really quickly these days. Nothing out of the ordinary has occurred, but I've found myself kind of waking up on Mondays and going "Wow, it's next week already? I barely did what I needed to do LAST week!"

Which is an unfortunate sentiment, but true nonetheless. Ah, well. Things are still getting done as they need to be, and I'm still treading water in all of my classes, despite a crippling bout of depression that has kept me feeling down and out. And by treading water I mean acing tests and doing okay on the ones I thought I for-really-real bombed.

I have taken out, as they say, a new lease on life. It's hard, but we get through it. I've got to learn to open up and rely on other people. I realized last week that the more I focus inward on my own problems, the less I notice other people's struggles. And I don't think I'm here to do nothing but gripe about my life. I think I was given a heart that loves fully, and I think I've been terrified to use it lately.

Because bringing people who aren't me into my life means surrendering control over the simple, albeit sometimes lonely existence that I live. By fully believing the lies that my brain likes to throw at me, I lock other people out. Letting depression take control of my thoughts, my tears, all of me, keeps me from being reached by the people I most desperately need.

I recently had to acknowledge the fact that I don't have much money. That may not a big surprise when you take into the account that I am in school, with no job, and no income other than just what I need to clear my share of the bills. However, that fact scared me. It made me feel something of a failure.

How backwards is that? Needing to rely on my fiance, who has a job and a steady income, to help buy groceries and gas, made me feel BAD. So many people in this world would squeal to have the opportunity to rely on someone else, and I'm moping because I have someone who's willing to shoulder that responsibility?

Seriously, I worry about my head sometimes.

But I know where it comes from. I've been a loner for a long time, and even though I've been with him for over a year now, the idea that someone is there for me in any and every capacity still seems so foreign. I had to take care of myself, for the most part, growing up. Sure, my parents paid the bills and bought me food, but emotionally and academically, I fended for myself. My parents loved me and raised me well, but my sister ate up a lot of our existence. Still does.

That's a blog entry for another time, though.

Regardless, I've been so used to isolation that it became my strength. And I've just come to realize that being alone is not strength. Being strong on your own isn't any feat - what battles do you come against when you have no friends or enemies? Being able to work with people beside you, to stand on your feet when you're afraid, to have the confidence not to back down in any of life's ordeals... that's strength. And it can only happen when you let people in and start living life, instead of hiding from it and pretending that's enough.

It's a hard lesson. One I'm still working on mastering, I'm more than ready to admit. But I've noticed changes in myself. I'm happier, despite this hormonal drag these new pills have set me on. I'm more willing to voice my opinions in groups, in classes, in hallways. What is there to fear? As long as you respect others, you can do a lot more good by speaking out than you can by sitting still.

Nobody can hurt me if I don't let them. Sure, they can say mean things, but I have control over how I react, and it's been easier to just... do what I need to get done, school-wise, but also feel happy and secure in my own existence.

My body is mine. My thoughts are mine. My humor, my style, my heart, it all makes up me, and I've come to realize that people kind of like me. I'm by no means nearing narcissism here, but it's a nice feeling.

Anyway. I am waiting for a Joss Whedon Fan Club meeting to organize here in the Comet Cafe. We're working on getting this sucker started, and I am dedicated to making friends and having Common Interests.

Take that, negativity.

Update at the bottom: 11:00am 9/16/08

So, I check the mail this morning, hoping to find that my monthly rent check from my so gracious grandparents had arrived. Instead, I get this letter from Washington Mutual telling me that they're closing my account due to my transactions exceeding limitations.