Reddish Musings

Even looking all the way back to middle and high school, things were just... different.  I had a blog back then, one that is probably still hosted and I could go dig through, but I don't feel that depressed today.  I wrote almost daily for a few years, and it felt good.  I expressed myself, I had funny ideas and opinions that may not have been well-thought out, but were at least the beginnings of who I am and what I believe today.  I always knew, coming home from school, what I wanted to write about, who I wanted to address, and I had friends in that community to support as they supported me.

I guess what I notice most about my childhood was that I could focus on something, on a little something, for hours.  I spent far too much time in a sandbox, sifting through sand so I could find the pretty quartz crystals.  Not to keep them, just to find them, go "Ooo" and then put them back and start again.

I would dig holes.  Not for any exact purpose, I would just dig.  Be it in a flower garden, or in the empty lot next to our new home, I would be out there digging away, and giggling as I played with the worms I found, and freaking out when I found maggots.  Caterpillars were my favorites.  I could see them on a grass blade from what seemed like a mile away.  I could find the best plants to play with (Indian needles!) by skimming over a field for a second and finding their wavy tops.

Now?  Now I just see grass and dirt.  I don't see the bugs.  I just see sand in a sandbox.  Word searches are all right, but not very mentally stimulating.  Very little gets my brain going like those days used to, and I miss it.  I miss it very much.

I took a good step in trying to rediscover focus, recently.  I quit World of Warcraft.  Perhaps forever, perhaps not, but it was becoming a consumptive force in my life, rather than an idle pasttime.   I was upset over things happening in a game, though the events did occur between people I knew in real life, or had known for a very long time through the game.  That is not much of an excuse, though.  It's still, overall, a game, and should not work against my enjoyment of my time spent playing it.

Also, I'm broke, so paying $15 a month for something that was making me miserable?  No, thank you.

I've been reading more, been trying to keep in touch with friends more, been listening to more music, replaying old favorite games of mine to spark an interest in my consoles again.  But I just feel... lost.  I appreciate my being able to see the bigger picture, but sometimes I wish I could just switch back to looking at the components again.  Sometimes it's nice to not be able to see the forest for the trees. 

My first assumption about why this happens is simply that time goes by faster as you age.  A day could, and did, last forever when I was younger.  Children lack the ability to see beyond what is happening in the immediate or near future, and thus the moment is all that matters.  Now, I know when I'm working 2 weeks in advance, I know when papers are due, when assignments must be completed, and when my tests are months before they occur.  Everything is processed in conjunction with the future.  Playing this game now means I will not be reading this book that I want to finish.  Drinking this water now means I will have to use the restroom in the middle of the night.  Slacking off today means I'll have more work tomorrow.

A second guess about my lack of focus and discernment recently has to do with the stage of life I'm at.  I'm about to begin my 3rd year of college.  I'm getting married in October.  This is the point in life when everyone begins parsing out what they're going to do for the rest of their lives.  They may be entirely wrong, but it seems most everyone attempts to plan it out, and Lord am I guilty of planning. 

So now, all I see is the future.  Getting through now to get to the blessed future where everything will be better.  We'll have money and jobs, we'll have a house, we'll have a family, I'll work in a career I love instead of doing retail to pay the bills.  

But just look out there.  4/5 college graduates don't have a job offer right now.  Every home seems to be nearing foreclosure.  More people are getting laid off, and less people are hiring.  College is a safe haven.  I should be happy I have a good relationship, and a job, not moaning about how I hate standing up for 6 hours and how things aren't how they were supposed to be.  Get in line, self.  Nobody's life turns out how they expected, and these times are making that more true than ever.  Nobody expects to get laid off.  Nobody expects to go bankrupt.  Nobody expects any of this.

My plan so far has been shot down the drain, so why am I so insistent on making another one from the scraps, instead of focusing on the here, and the now.  I can't keep living life in terms of the next obstacle in my way.  I need to be prepared to handle what's coming, but instead, I sit and mope all day about having to go to work.  I could be enjoying what time I have, instead of focusing on what's to come.

I miss the humor in my writing.  I could be witty, once.  I don't know where it's gone.  It seems all I can write is the drama in my head, to make sense of what plagues me.  That's dull, because it's always the same, but apparently I need to keep revisiting it.  Someday, maybe the light will shine again.