Reddish Musings

So many decisions to make, and so very little time to make them in.  I have 2 semesters left in my undergraduate career.  Two semesters in which I need to make straight A's to bring up my dragging GPA.  I like to joke that falling in love messed up my GPA, but I think I can honestly say that I would not have gone to class the first two years of college even if I had not met my then-boyfriend now-husband.  The first two years were Grade 13, and they were entirely pointless to the furtherance of my education.

That said, my GPA is floating around a 3.45, and I'd really like to see it bumped to at least a 3.5 before I start my applications.  This is where making a name for myself really comes into play.  I need to study hard for the GRE (I just registered for it!) to show that I am more capable than my GPA would have the reviewers believe.  I need to make nice with my professors so that they know my name and will be inclined to write me a few letters of recommendation.  And because I'm tired of being the quiet girl who makes A's on the tests but never wants to say anything out loud.

But there are bigger battles than the GRE and my current grades.  I have to decide Big Things, like where I want to live and what I want to do.

Sure, I've gotten by saying "I'm going to be a clinical psychologist!" for a while now, but I haven't been able to answer the question, "But who do you want to counsel?" Because it's hard!  I've grown up as an overweight, middle class white girl who got a full ride scholarship to an okay school.  I know I deal with anxiety and depression, and my sister has autism, but overall I haven't been exposed to a great deal of psychological variety in my life.

Part of picking a graduate school that is crucial is finding a school with faculty that have similar interests to yourself.  Well, what are my interests?

I talked a lot about studying autism as I was growing up, but I think I've come to realize that I am too close to the issue.  I don't know if 17 years of dealing with an autistic family member would help me  or hurt me when it came to helping families deal with these issues.

I probably would not deal well with autistic children on their own.  I could probably assist in helping families deal with autism, in helping them understand that it's not their fault, and they should not feel guilty for being overwhelmed by the disorder sometimes.  That would be nice.  But can I make a corner market on that?  Or should I focus on something more vague?

My current drive is helping people feel okay with themselves as they are.  That sounds fruity and vague, but I think I can boil it down into more scientific terms.  I'm probably the biggest fan of cognitive-behavioral therapy.  I believe what you think about yourself determines how you feel about yourself, and informs how you act.  I believe anxiety and depression are rooted in self-destructive thought patterns that are self-reinforcing.  I believe that some aspects of yourself are unchanging, and some aspects are completely within your realm of control.  AND I believe that adolescents in particular have an absolutely terrible time picking out what they DO have control over and what they do not.

I think I could do the most good reaching out to the "forgotten" class of adolescents.  There are degrees for child psychology, and adult psychology, but few seem to focus purely on that transitional period where multitudes of problems seem to either begin gestating, or fully blossom forth.  Eating disorders, self-injury, depression, anxiety, suicide, additions, sexual promiscuity, bullying, sexual questioning and shame at the answer, overly risky behaviors all over the place.

My heart goes out to gay or questioning kids who can't find a safe haven to accept themselves.  I cry for girls like me who can't figure out what to do with their bodies, so they let them lapse into obesity or work them to frailty and death.  Social injustice makes my head and heart hurt because I know it's more than just a societal problem.  It hurts every single person in the neglected, prejudiced, hated categories, and they are all PEOPLE who deserve the same rights and respect and chance at happiness that everyone gets.

So... maybe that is where I want to focus.  But how do you quantify that?  "At-risk youth" is probably a good term for it, I guess.  There are so many layers in each of these though.  There's depression, anxiety, poverty, personality, age, developmental psychology, etc.  And faculty at these schools tend to focus on narrow targets within these realms.

But if I'm honest about my passions, and I try to match with different topics the faculty study, I should be okay.  That's just where my Personal Statement (how do I write that? Argh.) comes into play the most, I guess.

So I'm working on it.

I'm deciding to work backwards.  Instead of finding schools in places I like, I'm looking over the list of schools that are APA certified, going through the faculty and the funding, and the programs and everything I can get my hands on, and seeing how the schools sound.  Then we'll look at locations.

Unfortunately, that means I may have to move away from my family.  Which is something I haven't even tried thinking about.  I used to strive to get out of Texas ASAP when I was a kid, but I never stopped and thought about the guilt and difficulty that would go into leaving the family behind for a while.

And thus, the future awaits, and I just have to figure out how the heck to get to it.

So, anyone who has been in contact with me recently has become somewhat aware of a few things. One, I hate school. Two, I'm getting married this Halloween, and I'm trapped in the craziness of wedding planning. Three, life is hard.

Basically, I let myself get trapped up in a ball of negativity that has been rolling along steadily for a few months now. It's not fun, and I refuse to stay with it any longer. In its place will be writing, listening to music, reading, meditating, happiness in the face of stress.

I will do what I must to make myself go to class, even if that means blocking out every stimulus besides music and the lecture once I get here, with the magic of my MP3 player. I will plan my wedding without fear of failure and without making myself stress to death. Instead, I will be grateful that I have been given the chance to marry someone so perfect for me.

I will not snap at my friends, or be unfriendly towards anyone. Being negative is the lazy response to life, and I have been coasting along on the tide of anger for too long. Behind every jerk who pisses me off is someone who probably has a problem I could care about, but hating them because of surface behavior is so much easier that I forget what I am.

I forget who I believe in, what I follow as my personal code for my life, and what the heart I've been given feels about people. I am not a negative person. I am not happy when I view the world through rage-colored glasses, and I have grown tired of living in that state of being.

So I'll stay to the sidelines in class, but I'll be here. I'll turn in my assignments, I'll do the readings, I'll pass the exams. I'll plan my wedding, I'll hang out with friends, I'll play my games and read my books, and I will keep my eyes open for what other people need while I do it. I have always been able to juggle many lives concurrently, it just happens that sometimes I get selfish and begin to feel angry at what I used to love doing.

I am only human, after all.

Oh, and I need to find a job or win the lottery. Good luck on that, right?

Class will be starting soon, but I wanted to write something, to document the turning point of this race I've been in. Wish me luck. The idea of turning off my MP3 player and listening to the dribble coming out of the other students' mouths is really not sitting well with me right now, but eventually I must.

*whimper*

Antisocial powers activate!

So, I've been through a few things in the past month or two since I posted on this dealy-o. I guess I kind of let it slip my mind... or really, I let myself ignore the urge to process and write about what was going on and instead focused on clinging to my problems like some kind of backwards life preserver.

But that's neither here nor there now, is it?

We're in Florida at the moment, Fiance and I. Sitting in our hotel room, because I have become too anxious and stressed to drive around in this frantic traffic in a new town (for me). We decided to take this day to relax... if that's even possible.

I've been having a very difficult time unwinding my little ball of stress lately. It's like it has become a part of me, something I love to lean on, because it gives me an excuse to feel as miserable as I do sometimes.

Without going into agonizingly melodramatic detail, it appears I should probably schedule myself an appointment with a psychiatrist at some point in the near future, perhaps in an effort to get some anti-depressants or anti-anxiety pills. Or at least to talk about my problems to someone who won't immediately make me blame my parents for everything, like my only other therapist did.

Being in a Neuroscience class, we went over what happens in a depressed brain. As we pored over the chemicals and the feelings and signs, something clicked. I had joked around about being "a little depressed" before, but it's been hitting me in longer, harder to shake off, chunks of time. I kept thinking that maybe "after this paper" or "after this project" or "after the finals are done" or "after we get off the plane and get the car and check into the hotel," maybe then I can finally relax and be happy.

Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to work that way. It would seem that I'm just unhappy, for no conceivable reason. I've been eating poorly and shirking off household responsibilities, all because I feel like sleeping and moping all the time. I've been sleeping more and feeling less rested, which just adds to the trouble.

I can go from happy to a stressed-out wrecking ball of anxiety in only a few seconds. When one thing doesn't go right, I'm spent. If I have to be around people for more than an hour, I'm exhausted, and so I've been ignoring my friends and being less emotionally available to Fiance. Something needs to change, and so it should. And I think it will. 'cause I don't want to live like this anymore.

Oh, also, my grandfather died. It has nothing to do with all of this, except adding to my stress level. He was my mother's father, and we all have very few happy memories with him. He was somewhat... negative towards my mother and my father, and towards everyone in his life. So all I can say is I hope he is finally happy wherever he is, and I hope my mother can relax soon.

She carried the world on her shoulders for the week he was in the hospital and near to death. Her whole family leaned on her through the whole experience, and you can really tell she needs some rest.

So... that's about all, really. I passed all of my classes and managed to come out with a high-enough GPA to secure my scholarship for another go-around. So now I'm going to focus on getting myself healthier in the head, and the body (which always helps with the head-bit, too), so I can tackle next semester without crying myself to sleep every night!

Fun!

Obama won.

Landslide, it would appear. Or at least very close to it.

McCain conceded with grace and dignity, and earned a modicum of my respect back. I salute the man for his service.

Yet I can't help but feel like crying. What should be a historic and momentous day of celebration is soiled by the hatred and disgust that those on the opposing side are spewing out. People saying we're all doomed, welcoming us to a Socialist nation, threatening to move.

I'm sorry. If you love America as much as many of the opposing side claim to, Democracy should NOT make you want to leave. You should not be AFRAID of letting the people speak for themselves. Perhaps you didn't win - disappointment is inevitable in these kinds of deals, but recognize what has been accomplished:

We have made progress in the seemingly eternal struggle between the races. We have broken many barriers this election season, with both African Americans and women making great strides in the political world. We have opened our hearts up, and changed many people's lives because we see the need for a new strategy in this country.

What we have now is not working. And the same old game of hate and fear did not work. But people will not let it go. People are clinging even more so to their vitriol, ignoring even their own leaders' pleas to accept Obama as their president, to lift him up in prayer even if you do not agree with all of his stands on issues. To follow the leader elect of our great nation, and help us all bridge the gap that has been bringing this country to its knees instead of keeping it high where it has once been.

I do not glorify America overmuch. But last night made me so proud of our country. Red states went blue. Some red states kind of went purple (Texas tried!), but people came together. There was no booing at Obama's victory address. There were tears, many tears. The man presented himself as someone with, as my fiance noted, the weight of the world on his shoulders. Looking into his eyes as he gave that speech, one could see how much he cares for this country.

I hold that I am a decent judge of character. At the very least, certain people rub me the wrong way. Kerry rubbed me the wrong way. Sarah Palin rubbed me the wrong way. McCain started to by the very end of things.

Looking into Obama's eyes, I almost completely give into the belief that he not only wants to change things for the better, that he really can. That not all of his campaign promises were merely platitudes to get himself elected. That he legitimately desires good for America.

You can find him flawed, most people are. You can disagree with his policies, that's what America is about. The freedom to say "I don't like that much." We speak with our votes and with our hearts here in America.

If you want to continue the discourse of hate, then please, make good on your promise to leave. We don't need that here, anymore. I am sick to death of the cries of "Terrorist!" "Socialist!" and many worse. I am shaken to the core at the fact that I could not look away during his speech last night for fear that some ignorant racist with a gun would assassinate him before he even got a chance.

What moral high ground do you really stand on when you cannot look a man in the eyes because of his ideals or his skin color? What righteous anger do you really have when you slander a man without knowing his heart? I know this plea is overly emotional, but I cannot help it. For the first time, my heart is breaking for my country.

I wanted today to be celebratory. Despite having a test I've barely studied for, I woke up today feeling that things were going to change.

Then I saw... amongst my own acquaintances, the bile spilling over into every status update, every bulletin, every newspost.

We wanted change. But you people won't budge. And my heart is breaking. You've not only crushed the American spirit, you've crushed the American dream. When America fails, it will not be Obama's fault. It will not even be Bush's fault.

If you can't find a way to cooperate with your fellow man regardless of ideology and religion, then you have broken into the halls of American History and stolen the book written on what the American dream should be. You have taken it, set it ablaze, and replaced it with the doctrine of the Ignorant American. Clinging bitterly, yes, bitterly, to your outdated hatred and refusing to look out the window to see if its raining or if the sun is shining.

Because to you, if "that one" is on your television screen, it must be raining. If a woman somewhere is having an abortion, it must be raining. If a gay couple somewhere is holding hands, it must be raining.

And it is you who hold us all back. Those of us who have seen past the rain to see the sun streaming through the clouds. Those of us who can look past the horizon of rainclouds and see that the day will shine again will forever be hindered by you, sitting in your dank living room, stewing in your own filth.

We do not believe in your words, but you will not join us on the journey. Even if the rain is pouring, there is a path to the sunshine. But because the path is not covered with the right layer of brick, or because the wrong kind of people will be walking beside you, you'd rather we all just drown. And since we are bound together by the chains of kinship in this country, we will.

I'm sick of it. I have empathy for many types of people in this world, but I cannot feel pity for you anymore. I feel angry, hurt, and so very frustrated.

We have places to go and people to be in this world. You deserve to have your say, because this is the United States of America, but if what you say has not changed in the past few decades because your thinking has not updated either, then please. Just stop. You are only hurting all of us.