Reddish Musings

So, I've been through a few things in the past month or two since I posted on this dealy-o. I guess I kind of let it slip my mind... or really, I let myself ignore the urge to process and write about what was going on and instead focused on clinging to my problems like some kind of backwards life preserver.

But that's neither here nor there now, is it?

We're in Florida at the moment, Fiance and I. Sitting in our hotel room, because I have become too anxious and stressed to drive around in this frantic traffic in a new town (for me). We decided to take this day to relax... if that's even possible.

I've been having a very difficult time unwinding my little ball of stress lately. It's like it has become a part of me, something I love to lean on, because it gives me an excuse to feel as miserable as I do sometimes.

Without going into agonizingly melodramatic detail, it appears I should probably schedule myself an appointment with a psychiatrist at some point in the near future, perhaps in an effort to get some anti-depressants or anti-anxiety pills. Or at least to talk about my problems to someone who won't immediately make me blame my parents for everything, like my only other therapist did.

Being in a Neuroscience class, we went over what happens in a depressed brain. As we pored over the chemicals and the feelings and signs, something clicked. I had joked around about being "a little depressed" before, but it's been hitting me in longer, harder to shake off, chunks of time. I kept thinking that maybe "after this paper" or "after this project" or "after the finals are done" or "after we get off the plane and get the car and check into the hotel," maybe then I can finally relax and be happy.

Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to work that way. It would seem that I'm just unhappy, for no conceivable reason. I've been eating poorly and shirking off household responsibilities, all because I feel like sleeping and moping all the time. I've been sleeping more and feeling less rested, which just adds to the trouble.

I can go from happy to a stressed-out wrecking ball of anxiety in only a few seconds. When one thing doesn't go right, I'm spent. If I have to be around people for more than an hour, I'm exhausted, and so I've been ignoring my friends and being less emotionally available to Fiance. Something needs to change, and so it should. And I think it will. 'cause I don't want to live like this anymore.

Oh, also, my grandfather died. It has nothing to do with all of this, except adding to my stress level. He was my mother's father, and we all have very few happy memories with him. He was somewhat... negative towards my mother and my father, and towards everyone in his life. So all I can say is I hope he is finally happy wherever he is, and I hope my mother can relax soon.

She carried the world on her shoulders for the week he was in the hospital and near to death. Her whole family leaned on her through the whole experience, and you can really tell she needs some rest.

So... that's about all, really. I passed all of my classes and managed to come out with a high-enough GPA to secure my scholarship for another go-around. So now I'm going to focus on getting myself healthier in the head, and the body (which always helps with the head-bit, too), so I can tackle next semester without crying myself to sleep every night!

Fun!