Reddish Musings

College and I are not getting along at the moment. It’s not something that’s easy to define, considering that I’m still pulling above a 3.5 GPA, despite my hatred of most of my classes/professors so far. In fact, regardless how much I realize that all of this nonsense is just high school again, with more pretension and unnecessary tedium (I didn’t even think that was possible), I still feel completely unsure of my every move.

I am good at school. I am a nerd. I like learning. The problem is that I hate inefficiency and I often feel paranoid that everyone knows something I don’t. Like, I do well on tests that everyone else does poorly on, yet they all seem to be doing better at this entire “college” thing than I am.

What sense does this make? I have a major, I have an idea for what I’d like to do with my life, albeit not all hammered out. I know I’d like to work as a counselor somewhere. Teaching seems like a good thing to do, as well, so maybe I just need to make up my mind about my chosen career path. That’s something most people in college have to do, so I’m certainly not behind in that regard. I’m engaged, I’ve got my own bills and debts to pay, and I make them monthly with no real problem. I’ve taken out loans, I’ve bought books, I’ve passed classes, and I’ve managed to not throw my life away by making dumb choices, so that puts me ahead of the curve somewhat, right?

So why do I feel so cripplingly inferior in every class I’m in? My confidence disappears when I step foot on this campus. I get jumpy, I feel lost no matter how many times I’ve been to the same classroom, and I’m constantly looking at every person walking by. I don’t even know many people on this campus, why should I be checking every face that goes by?

It just feels like everyone else is playing a different game. Including the professors, sometimes. It’s like, I’m here to learn and get my career going and get on with my life. Other people seem to be here to engage in the College Process, to play a game with credits and advisors and professors and acceptance letters, and I just want to get out. My goal is to reach End, get my diploma and get a life of my own. Their goals all seem to be to rack up as many accomplishments and inconsequential pieces of trash on the way as possible.

And the advisors here? Suck. So very hard. Every time I enter one of their offices with a question, I leave with a gray-area answer and more questions than I had going in. They are the anti-helpful. Not only that, they also mislead you on what it takes to get what you’re trying to do. One says you need to minor in an area to be able to teach it, another says you need to major in it. Some say, “Maybe you should change your major altogether, except you don’t really have to, because one guy didn’t, but maybe you should.”

Thanks for that golden advice, Mrs. Vague.

Maybe the problem is just how alone I feel. I recognize people in my major classes more and more, but I don’t… I don’t have any friends here. I’ve never been good at the friends-at-school game. I always had one or two in grade school, but that tapered off when the guys discovered girls. High school was just a game of being friendly and involved with groups at school, but I never had anyone to hang out with after school.

Now I have people to hang out with after school, but I can’t find anyone to relate to AT school. I’m here for the majority of my day, and I’m alone, stuck in my thoughts and concerns about inadequacy. Also I’m constantly exhausted. It’s just so tiring, life.

I just want to be done. I want to have a steady job, have some freedom, instead of constantly fighting back the stack of papers and homework that chase me down the halls. Instead of worrying about how much I hate my classes. Instead of being crushed by depression and anxiety, to the point of not being able to get out of bed to go to class, no matter how much I worry about my grade in doing so.

The older I get, the more my goal in life seems to be to not be bothered and not be noticed. I just want to get things done, and not be a hindrance to anyone else’s comings and goings. I want to blend in.

But I don’t. That’s not what I want, it’s just what I’ve been reduced to. I want to help people, I want to care, and I want to feel that passion I had for learning and getting grades and reading and helping out and… I want to live again.

If only this place would stop strangling me, I think I would be able to. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore. I mostly just want to sleep and cry.

I don’t think the Celexa is helping yet.

Life seems to gang up on people. I'm not arrogant enough to think the entire world and the cosmos are out to get me, but I can make a case, perhaps a convincing one, that the world and the cosmos are out to get all of us... sometimes, anyway.

See, things go pretty smoothly for a while.

Then one day, you wake up. You get out of bed, and you lean down to pick up something, and you hit your head on your nightstand.

Ouch, but you continue. You wander into the bathroom, but your turn is just a few degrees too sharp, your toe runs right into the frame of the door. More ouch. You start wondering if maybe you should go back to bed. But, that's really not an option and there's stuff to do, so you keep going.

Dressing goes okay, except you find out that your bra (or, I dunno, boxers or something) has a broken clasp or the underwire is twisted or poking out, or something. Whatever, you pad it with a bandaid and move on.

From then on, it's anybody's guess what could happen. You're out of oatmeal, milk, berries, bread, anything. You get cut off and almost run into by a handicapped driver. Your class is cancelled. Your blinker in your car goes screwy. Your car won't start. Your bills come and overdraft your checking account with something you hadn't even expected.

The list goes on, and on, and on.

So why does this all have to happen in such a tight space? Why can life not wait to spread out negativity? Some would say that so many bad things in so short an amount of time could be a sign of something bad. Something you weren't supposed to do.

Others would say it's a test, that you'll be stronger for making it through.

Me? I just think life is cyclical. I don't think much of karma on a small scale. Astrology has yet to make much sense to me, except where the earth rotates in a pattern and I think life swings in a pattern, but these two orbitals don't intersect at any specific, trackable points.

Divination, psychic powers, all of that really boils down to the universal truth that life is sometimes good, but it carries with it the danger of turning on you. This causes fear in people who feel they have the right to know what life is going to throw at them next time around. It's easy to tell people they feel fearful and concerned about finances and their love life... because really, who doesn't?

But when it's happening, all I can do is sit there and tell myself, "This, too, shall pass." Because it normally does. Everything just gets so much more uncertain and stressful when the pendulum swings back to hit me in the face.

Maybe part of growing up is enjoying the swing up, but preparing for the swing back down without losing it when it happens. Not taking things for granted.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Personally, I think part of growing up is also just learning to fake being a grown up.